Stupendous Nipple Placement & You: What You Need to Know

Bonjour mon amies! We truly are in the dregs of the cinema season. Between monstrously awful Hollywood films and pretentious heavy handed art-house fare and the awful Minnesota weather I of course have a thing or two to say. I'm off to see The Class (2008) tonight, the winner of last year's Palm D'or and Oscar nominee for Best Foreign Language film. With all the press it's getting, I am certain it will be winning that award. However, I always feel an ominous dread, that awful feeling like something just won't live up to it's expectations. I had the same fear with Slumdog Millionaire (2008), and I was pleasantly surprised, so let's hope this Frenchie won't let me down. Not a whole lot of greatness over the past week, but here's a rundown:

Theatrical Releases:

Friday the 13th (2009) -- I am convinced that director Marcus Nispel is the Jessica Simpson of film directors. In other words, like a small, spoiled child on a karaoke machine, he greedily and mercilessly bastardizes any films he wants to. Nispel was also responsible, if you don't know, for the 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and a 2004 film version of Frankenstein, a film that stars Parker Posey and Vincent Perez probably hope would fall unobtrusively into a nether world of forgetful cinema. Now, the argument seem to be that Nispel is not remaking anything deemed classic cinema. I would have to agree. However, this new concoction is so bland, boring and so excessively dull that even the stereotypical heterosexual bludgeoning wasn't enough to stir my ire. What does anger me is that these infantile filmmakers are given the opportunity to remake old B films, either to reinvigorate a genre that American filmmakers clearly cannot refresh, or to use the genre to explore more radical issues concerning sexuality, gender, or any other numerous semantics that once low-brow genres like horror and comedy were able to explore, and they fail, fail, fail at doing anything different. Instead, I am forced to listen to the most un-titillating sexual dialogue written since Showgirls (1995) that doesn't have the benefit of being amusing, such as extended reference to one boring blonde woman's supposedly "stupendous nipple placement." Well, I guess since her nipples were on her breasts and not her forehead or her patellas we're all good. The cast isn't even worth mentioning or complaining about--the poor things just want to be actors, after all. It didn't hurt Kevin Bacon, who starred in the first 1980 film. What this new bland film lacks is the only highlight that the first film had---Jason's mother. Granted, Betsy Palmer is a bit over-the-top, but that's what made the first film so damn good. Rather than expound on the Jason mythos, the new film offers the same inconsistencies, much like the Old Testament in that book called the Bible. The scariest element of Friday the 13th (2009) were the small, yet loud chirpy children that filled the theater---it seems quite a few never knew there was an original. Not surprisingly, Hollywood expects that we forget there ever was such as a thing as "original material."

This Gun For Hire (1942) -- I do feel grateful to live in a city that every now and then shows some older, classic films in it's drying up independent theater chains. Part of what's being billed as "Universal Film Noir" at the Heights theater in Minneapolis was a screening of This Gun For Hire, starring the gorgeous Veronica Lake and Alan Ladd. Directed by B director Frank Tuttle, the film does have some dated moments---it is most obviously with WWII espionage rhetoric that doesn't make altogether too much sense under close scrutiny. What the film does have going for it is an overall decent script and some breakneck pacing. The two song numbers with Ms. Lake feel a bit out of place but are extremely entertaining nonetheless due to the captivating screen presence of Lake. Having a rather flat affect, Lake is also soothing in that icy, femme fatale way that I crave. As I had never seen a film with Lake before, I was quite surprised at how much Kim Basinger managed to resemble her in LA Confidential (1997). Robert Preston (perhaps best known for his Oscar nominated role as a gay entertainer in Victor Victoria - 1982) has the thankless role of being the hammy cop boyfriend, and the same goes for Alan Ladd as a rather one dimensional baddie. However, Laird Cregar puts in a rather entertaining and notable performance as a slimy yellow-belly, and this was two years before he made a big name for himself in The Lodger (1944) and subsequently died that same year. If you like noir and haven't seen this one, it's highly recommended. Also, the two strange scenes involving Ladd's (whose name is Raven) fascination with cats are quite intriguing.

DVD

Black Book (2006) -- Now I don't mind Paul Verhoeven. His American films aren't really quality, but they're funny. I could watch Showgirls (1995), Total Recall (1990), and maybe even Basic Instinct (1992) again and again. Verhoeven's best film, in my opinion, is his last Dutch film, The 4th Man (1983). Needless to say, when I had heard Verhoeven was filming another Dutch film I was a little excited, especially since his last film before it was Hollow Man (2000). Overall, I was a little disappointed as his latest venture really wasn't all that good. The film is a bit long and sad to say, but lead actress Carice Van Houten's hairdo kept making me think of Christina Aguilera's video for "Candy Man." The film's tone is completely inconsistent, especially since it's dealing with a "true" story from the Dutch Resistance during WWII. Van Houten really goes through some absurd and downright unbelievable travails--most disgustingly notable is a scene where 30 gallons of human excrement is dumped on her. Shitty. But the film especially becomes ludicrous in it's last half hour, when every 90 seconds bad guys turn out to be good and vice versa. It was like needing Dramamine on simple flight from Minneapolis to Chicago. Too much unnecessary turbulence.

Boudu (2005) -- I was very wary of purchasing this film as it is indeed a French remake of the great Jean Renoir's Boudu, Saved From Drowning (1932). Director Gerard Jugnot does skate the proverbial thin ice with attempting to remake a Renoir film, and sadly, he falls into the water. I purchased the film and watched it for the incomparable Catherine Frot. If you are reading this and have yet to see Catherine Frot in a film I think you should immediately stop what you're doing and go find a film with her and watch it. Just not this one. Frot doesn't disappoint, but sadly, her comedienne strength doesn't save this turkey. It's not that it's bad, it's just that the film is tedious--Jugnot cast himself as Frot's husband and he comes across as rather uncharismatic. Gerard Depardieu stars as the title character, and Depardieu is usually very, very good in a film or very, very bad. The latter, I conclude, in this. Revolving around a prickly member of the upper classes saving a homeless man named Boudu from drowning, with of course, light slapstick ensuing, this remake misses it's mark. Just watch Renoir.

The Man and the Monster (1959) -- Some extraordinarily good horror cinema came out of Mexico in the 50's and 60's, one of my favorites being The Witch's Mirror (1962), directed by Chano Urueta. Hence, I purchased a highly recommended film directed by Rafael Baledon, The Man & The Monster. Basically, it's "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde" with a piano and Satan. An egocentric pianist is jealous of a beautiful female pianist and prays to Satan offering his soul if he can only be the best pianist in the world. Satan obliges, killing the female pianist, whose corpse is propped up like Evita Peron's in the antagonist's study. The catch: every time he plays the piano he turns into a hairy wolf-like beast with superhuman powers. To get away from the clutches of Satan, the pianist trains a young woman who is the spitting image of the pianist he killed---in order to make her the best pianist in the world, so he can purportedly get his soul back. However, that Satan is a wily character and it isn't made clear in the film whether or not the Hoofed One acquiesced to this little agreement. While not as good as The Witch's Mirror, I am motivated to see one of Baledon's other efforts available in the US, The Curse of the Crying Woman (1963).

Embryo (1976) -- I had high expectations for this one. I actually own an old VHS copy of this Rock Hudson sci-fi/horror vehicle from the late 70's. Concerning a scientist conducting experiments on human fetuses in order to accelerate the maturation of the fetus without the use of a uterus (those pesky things), the film is actually just boring. It's sad to see Rock Hudson so old (but before he got real run down with AIDS) and Barbara Carrera is beautiful, even if she is devoid of talent. And like all good things, the Carrera character becomes addicted to a strange drug and to stop aging she has to start killing pregnant ladies so she can eat their unborn fetuses. However, this is all done in such an unexciting manner you could viably see lots of pretty ladies engaging in said activities. And then there's the sex scene between Hudson and Carrera, where she asks to be "taught." That was giggle worthy.

3 short films by Nacho Cerda: The Awakening (1990); Aftermath (1994); Genesis (1998)

Spanish filmmaker Nacho Cerda seems to have made a name for himself with art-house horror fans. There was considerable buzz surrounding his 2006 film, The Abandoned, which starred Anastasia Hille, a very alluring actress. That film started out good but felt like it would have played better as a short, and ended up being only slightly better than most of the other After Dark Horror Series it was packaged with. That said, when I discovered that some of Cerda's shorts were on DVD I did get a little excited. The first film on the disc, The Awakening, is your standard man-involved-in-a-suddenly-frozen-world theme, only to discover he is looking down at his collapsed body. Genesis was the best of the three, presenting a twisted riff on the Pygmalion myth. The most shocking and disturbing was Aftermath, a 30 minute exercise in disgusting pointlessness concerning two morgue workers and the unspeakable things they do to corpses, which involves a gross-out scene involving, of course, necrophilia. I am not a gore hound but can withstand it when necessary to the plot. But I found this short film tasteless and basically it's point is shock for shocks sake. Keep in made this is coming from an individual who actually enjoyed Nekromantik (1987).

Smooth Talk (1985) -- One of the best films I've seen recently is Joyce Chopra's Smooth Talk, a mid-80's film with Laura Dern playing a 15 year old adolescent. Based on the extremely creepy short story "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" by Joyce Carol Oates, Smooth Talk tells the sexual awakening of a young girl growing up in a household with no one to talk to. Mary Kay Place stars as her unsympathetic (though not entirely horrible) mother. Basically, Smooth Talk is about a young girl singled out and forced into offscreen sexual acts with a brilliantly creepy Treat Williams. The film is surprisingly realistic in it's depiction of growing up, and though I'm not a female and therefore my felt companionship with the main character may be mocked, there are moments, especially between Williams and Dern that are quite uncomfortable. It's sad that Chopra has been relegated to TV work after the failing of her second feature film The Lemon Sisters (1990). Dern is, as usual, a force to reckon with onscreen. My one problem with the film is the changed ending---read the story and see the movie. Highly recommended.