Tragic Dung Heap Cinema of 2009: Cinematic Abortions

Well, here ye be, my lovelies. A roundup of the 15 worst cinematic screenings from 2009 that I had the pleasure of attending. I don't see myself attending anything that may additionally make this list before December lets up, but if I do, you can be certain I'll make an addendum. After each title and country of origin (you'll notice that these are all US productions), you'll see the name of every director associated with each said abortion of cinema. Like a toxic flower in the wild that wards off insects, may their appearance here be indicative of their work to come---STAY AWAY! (Please note that I didn't see films like Transformers 2 or other similarly maligned Hollywood turkeys that probably would have been on this list, as well).

1. Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun-Li – US (Dir. Andrzej Bartkowiak)
2. New Moon – US (Dir. Chris Weitz)
3. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra – US (Dir. Stephen Sommers)
4. My Bloody Valentine 3D – US (Dir. Patrick Lussier)
5. The Unborn – US (Dir. David S. Goyer)
6. The Uninvited – US (Dir. Guard Bros.)
7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine – US (Dir. Gavin Hood)
8. Jennifer’s Body – US (Dir. Karyn Kusama)
9. Watchmen – US (Dir. Zack Snyder)
10. Year One – US (Dir. Harold Ramis)
11. Little Ashes – US (Dir. Paul Morrison)
12. The Mysteries of Pittsburgh – US (Dir. Rawson Marshall Thurber)
13. The Haunting In Connecticut – US (Dir. Peter Cornwell)
14. Friday the 13th – US (Dir. Marcus Nispel)
15. Madea Goes to Jail – US (Tyler Perry)

15. Madea Goes To Jail – Soon to be followed by Madea Goes to the Brothel, Madea Crashes the Church Festival, Madea Courts Mormonism, Madea Eats Cheese, and finally, Madea’s Constipated Bowels. Madea just won’t go away, like that infernal Ramona from the Beverly Cleary books of my youth. Anyhow, you get my drift.

14. Friday the 13th – Well go figure. Another bastardized 80’s horror film from Marcus Nispel (who remade Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2003) and one that removes my enduring fascination with rewatching the original, Mrs. Voorhies, played delightfully over the top by Betsy Palmer.

13. The Haunting in Connecticut – A supposed true story of demonic possession, a PG-13 rating, an over the top Martin Donovan as an alcoholic father, and lazy directing from unseasoned director Peter Cornwell sink the luscious Virginia Madsen into the mire.

12. The Mysteries Of Pittsburgh – One of two independent features making the worst list, this turkey stars Peter Sarsgaard, Sienna Miller, Nick Nolte, and Jon Foster (the same man whose lackluster performance left a stank taste in my maw after viewing The Door in the Floor, 2004) in a film comprised of three different stories, none of which gel. Based on the debut novel by Michael Chabon, director Rawson Marshall Thurber needed a bit more experience before tackling such complicated subject matter. No mysteries in Pittsburgh---only death and desperation.

11. Little Ashes – One of two films making this list starring Robert Pattinson, Little Ashes only received a theatrical releases thanks to the pop power vested in the Twilight series. Once again, we have an amateur director, Paul Morrison, handling material way out of his league, with this love triangle concerning three of Spain’s greatest artists, Salvador Dali, Luis Bunuel and Federico Garcia Lorca.

10. Year One – Now, I’ve never loved Harold Ramis as a director, per se, but the atrocious debacle called Year One tells me Ramis needs to rest on his laurels for a little while. And can Michael Cera please stop playing the same person (NOTE: I refused to watch Cera’s Paper Heart due to the atrocious preview, as, rest assured, that would have made this list as well). One of the least comedic comedies I’ve been witness to.

09. Watchmen – No, I haven’t read the comic book. I’m not a fanboy. This was 3 hours of pure horseshit drudgery. I can’t stand you, Zack Snyder.

08. Jennifer’s Body – I don’t think anyone could write a role that would be easier for Megan Fox to ‘act out.’ Somehow, the slinky twit failed on all counts here. Of course, the atrocious dialogue slathered over this turkey like pasty dung by one note Diablo Cody doesn’t help anyone’s cause. Director Karyn Kusama is the only female director making this list. Good job.

07. X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Now, I’ve never had any love for Ryan Reynolds and I can’t stand dullard Lynn Collins, but this latest X-Men installment has made me lose any hope of ever respecting Hugh Jackman again---and the same goes for Liev Schreiber. (Danny Huston’s phoning in the icky bad guy performance, so less hatred I extend to him). The screenwriters and director Gavin Hood should be castrated (and yes, he previously directed Tsotsi). Failure on every count.

06. The Uninvited – Lord, what a boring horror film. David Straithairn needed a paycheck, and while Elizabeth Banks was obviously having a lot of fun, the rest of the audience that might have a brain wanted to burn the celluloid. This pile of dung was directed by the Guard Brothers. I’m sure they’ll do their best to give us more mediocre narratives since this as a first feature.

05. The Unborn – Odette Yustman’s panties have more character than her in this and I’m not sure why Gary Oldman failed to read his script. Davis S. Goyer gave us this abortion after helping pen The Dark Knight. His next project is X Men Origins: Magneto. If Jesus exists, he’s weeping.

04. My Bloody Valentine 3D – Yes, a remake of that 1981 B horror film. And in 3D! Enough said.

03. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – In truth, I was this close to bailing out my seat before this two hour abortion began, especially after I successfully avoided seeing Transformers 2 (hence it not being on this list). Sienna Miller, good job popping up in a poorly made film again---and critic Armond White, who liked this and called Precious a racist film----I can’t believe someone with such poor taste still has a job in this line of work.

02. New Moon – The success of this film makes me want to sob uncontrollably---see my review.
01. Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun-Li – Yes, it’s worse than New Moon, and someone needs to check what kind of meds have been prescribed for Chris Klein since he’s obviously out of it. A film so terrible, it needs to be seen to be believed---someone should pay the MST3K crew to make that bearable or necessary.