The most disgusting and depraved element of a horribly awful film I recently had the misfortune to sit through was learning that the film had a theatrical release. Why? Because the film was made for a niche market---those members of the GLBT community that care little to nothing about quality, characterization or any sort of discernible acumen in the depictions of gay people they seek---that's the sort of people films like this are made for. You've seen them---those boys in the gay bars that know more about how Britney Spears shaves her vagina than they do about their own loving mommas. Anyhow, this film happened to be titled House of Adam, written, directed, produced and marketed by the most egotistical film presence since Shyamalamadingdong---his name is Jorge Ameer, and like Candyman, don't say it too many times. To get a sense of exactly what catastrophic elements came together that caused the derivation of this contumely celluloid to be birthed, I watched the director's commentary, which was almost as long as the film. Jorge Ameer, honey, who the hell told you that you had any kind of talent that warranted the making of not only this, but apparently several other films? Now, in 2009, are we still so damn hungry for lukewarm representations of gay men and women that individuals like Jorge Ameer are granted permission to punish us with alarmingly fallacious characterizations of queer? And get a theatrical release? This shit was worse than soft core porn shown on cable. The worst part is reading reviews of the film---you can tell who's desperately gay enough to like this shit--usually based on the fact that there exists a large majority of gay men that assign demarcations of quality based on the attractiveness (and not talent) of the leading eye candy.
What is the plot of this rank piece of sediment that has so sparked my ire? House of Adam is about a wimpy, poorly dressed, closeted dweeb named Adam who lives in a very small town helping an old sick man run his diner. This old man suspects that Adam has developed some sticky fingers recently and calls on his son, Anthony, to catch Adam in the act of pilfering. A disturbingly strange scene ensues where Anthony cuts his finger in the diner's kitchen and Adam, like a baby rooting at a mother's breast, pops the bloody finger in his mouth in what I thought was meant to be a flirtatious manner. The basic, levelheaded audience member (whether gay or not) should, at this point realize that Adam is a creepy headcase and Anthony is about as appealing as a lobotomized mannequin---if someone stuck my bloody finger in their mouth I'd at least voice some kind of reluctance to hang out with that person again. Some things not worth documenting transpire and the two becomes lovers, though of course on the DL. Anthony becomes a policeman overnight, and Adam is suddenly murdered by three religious redneck fanatics that keep popping up. The religious fanatics are also ludicrous, wandering aimlessly around, drinking beer and reading Leviticus right before the cheesy murder sequence which involves roughing up the couch pillows and beating Adam over the head until he's dead with a leather bound Bible. I know it's a blunt instrument, but I doubt a lethal one. Anyhow, Anthony, saddened, wanders the hills of whatever mountain town the lovers lived in like a mutant from The Hills Have Eyes, while the new couple living in the cabin are witness to some extremely lukewarm and uninspired events trying to show that Adam's spirit is haunting the cabin until his killers are held accountable for their actions. From the little I've described, I'm sure you don't have to think too hard to imagine how that plays out. An insult to intelligence and GLBT people everywhere, the pompous Jorge Ameer also casts himself in a cameo appearance as a real estate agent---proving he is as incompetent in front of the camera as he is behind. If ever I get a whiff of Mr. Ameer's taint on a precious piece of celluloid again, I will run away screaming like a special person avoiding electroshock therapy. The DVD case, of course, has those typical no-name critics from WGNTVLV289 or LILACHORROR.COM to champion the greatness of the film, with the front cover having some such critic stating the film is "A Severed Affair." Now what in the fuck does that mean? I know what severed means, but what exactly does that mean in reference to the movie? My review would state "A Hot Steamy Pile." Now that succinctly says something.
To Mr. Jorge Ameer, because I just know you google your name on a daily basis, you hack---You should stop making films. I may not have any influence whatsoever, but your pitiful existence as an appallingly inept filmmaker will be well voiced in any circles I run in and maybe, just maybe, one day gay people (along with having rights) will also demand honest or at least well written depictions of gay people, especially when dished out by gay people. Fuck, at least not as offensively stupid as you make your own out to be.
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